Pills, Bad Apples and Girl Scouts

Reasonable Turns Stupid

Remember the little milk cartons we used to get in elementary school?  We learned how to open the practical wax-covered box at the "open here" arrow, and then we'd drink the dairy liquid from the functional spout.  

As we grew up and took our place in the adult consumer world, we purchased dairy in larger quart and half-gallon cartons.  They all had the same "open here" directions and spouts.  

                  This is what I'm talking about--the way it still ought to be.  (http://www.ebay.com/itm/1980s-Vintage-PRARIE-FARMS-Grade-A-2-Lowfat-Milk-Half-Gallon-Cardboard-Carton-/310533742434)

Now, when you buy a carton of milk, there is a "handy" twist off plastic lid on the side of the traditional looking spout top.  The first time I encountered this type milk carton, I failed to realize it had the screw top on the side.  I fiddled, and pried, and pulled, and destroyed the top of both sides of my milk carton, to no avail.  

I fooled around with it enough to get just a little rip in the cardboard--enough to let some of the milk splash out onto me and the floor.  Then I saw that twist-top.  

I cursed as I unscrewed it.  And under that top was a pull ring to unstop a plastic disc from the drinking hole.  I yanked the stopper by the ring, and milk flew everywhere.  I cursed again, not the carton this time, but the Tylenol Tamperer of 1982.  He (or she) started all this %X*@^# packaging convenience #%^T!

‘Eighty-two  

That year, an individual (maybe even more than one) idiot with no conscience, slipped deadly potassium cyanide into Tylenol products.  Seven people, including a 12-year-old girl, died as a result of consuming the disguised poison.  The deaths occurred so quickly before investigators realized that laced Tylenol was the connecting culprit.  The product was subsequently removed from store shelves.  Tylenol has since recovered, but the murders remain unsolved to this day.  

As a result, product packaging got more aggravating.  Wouldn't it be ironic if the Tamperer stroked out trying to open a tamper-proof package?      

I am thinking of other product packaging designed to discourage likewise tampering.  

Plastic milk jugs are as aggravating as their cardboard cousins.  Twist off the ringed top with a snappy sound to it, then gruffly pull off the hard cardboard seal over the hole.  Pour. 

Ketchup is similar to the milk jug, except that after you twist off the snappy top, you have to use needle nose pliers to grasp the little tab that pulls off the tough styrofoam-X-plastic seal over the pouring hole.  

 Mustard's the same as ketchup.  Peanut butter, mayonnaise, instant coffee creamer...all the same.        

Then there are the other type "safety" seals on things like spices, pickles, hot sauce, jelly, and so on.  These lids are sealed over with a hard clear plastic ring that WILL NOT tear!  If you try too long to rip them, you will get a plastic version of a paper cut, and that is very painful.  Scissors will not do it either.  The scissor tip usually will not fit under the plastic seal.  You have to dig out a sharp tipped kitchen knife to cut it.  It pops open finally, and hopefully you didn't cut your hand with a knife that was too big.  All for a dang pickle.  

Even non-ingestible item packaging has been altered, for our protection, by the 1982 a-hole's actions.

Face creams and cosmetics in general have nuisance seals over the tops of them.  But why does nail polish remover (acetone) have a seal over it?  That stuff's bad enough if you get it in or on the wrong body part or piece of furniture.  Maybe somebody in the store opened some up one day and drank it, then sued the store for damages.  Who knows?

I used to be able to sniff nice shampoos and lotions in the store before I bought them, but no more.  The seals are in place.  I can't even smell the deodorant any more, until it's under my arm, that is.    

These designs all came about because of that initial pill bottle-meddling sicko. 

But was Tylenol Tamperer of 1982 the first sicko?

Remember the apple scares of 1968 Halloween?  We heard dreadful stories of razor blades and needles in the fruit handouts, and the panicked worries escalated to rumors of rat poison in the gumballs.

Being so afraid of the apples, many over-protective parents (including my own) said "Let's take the kiddies out for pizza instead of Trick-or-Treating tonight," and "We don't want the kids to be poisoned, jabbed or razor-bladed."  That 1968 I was S.O.L. for getting any Trick-or-Treat candy. 

 

Am I Safe?   

Why have some items been left out of the "safety seal" game?  For instance, why am I allowed to sniff the dish soap in the grocery store?  No seal there--just open it up and there is the product.  Now, I'm thinking "This container is vulnerable."  Couldn't the dish soap be tainted, too?  My dishes might get poisonnneddd...! 


I was in the cosmetic aisle one day and opened up a Baby Oil bottle.  No seal.  I wondered why not, but was glad, because I like the smell of Baby Oil.  I put the bottle opening up to my nose, squeezed the plastic bottle to get the product up to the top for better sniff-ability.  It came up too far and I sucked a half an ounce of oil into my sinus cavities before I knew what happened.  

I hacked and snorted for ten minutes right there in the aisle until I could breathe, and even function, without gagging and choking.  All that was to the assured delight of the Wal-Mart surveillance crew watching from their camera room.

OK, maybe everything ought to be tamper-proof.   

Can't sickos inject dreadful things into my boxes of prunes or brown sugar?  Or into my marshmallows right there in the bag???

What about natural packaging?  Like the aforementioned apples, or other fruits?  
 
...or eggs?



I know eggs can be injected because back in high school I helped my friend Teresa (ya'll know her) drain eggs for some Home Ec project she had one year.  She had to pierce holes in the eggs' ends with a needle, then blow the raw insides out.  I think she was painting the hollowed out shells--I really don't remember the reason--but she had to have them emptied for class the following day.  We almost passed out blowing on those things--I really do remember that. 

A Pre-tamper-proof Girl Scout Nasty

 
In 1970 I went door-to-door with a Girl Scout peddling cookies--unsealed cookies.  Sonja, a sort of step-sister at the time, and I were staying at Grandma Rose's house in Hialeah, FL.  We stayed there often, and we both loved Grandma.  

But Sonja and I enjoyed a less than sisterly relationship.  I always thought Sonja was sort of spoiled, and she picked her nose a lot.  Anyway, one day she came to Grandma's with white plastic buckets full of Girl Scout Cookies to sell.  Wendy, an older (11 or 12) and wiser friend from next door, escorted Sonja and me around the neighborhood.  Actually, I really didn't care if Sonja made any sales or not.  And after seeing her salesmanship ethics, I hoped she didn't sell any.  

As we walked along in between houses, Sonja would open up a bucket, fondle cookies, and then eat one or two.  I scoffed, thinking of the nose-picking fingers caressing the cookies that some innocent buyer might eat.  Wendy reprimanded her, and explained to Sonja the wrongness of the act.  Sonja just shrugged, and dug around in the tamper-prone cookie bucket.  I don't remember if she made any sales or not.  I just knew I wasn't going to help her push them anymore.      

Package Ponder Outside the Tamper-Talk Box    

Let's see...3 Bad Package Examples:

(1)  Tortilla chip bags and the like are sealed for product protection more than for consumer protection.  Sealed up so snug-like that you have to use two pairs of pliers to pull apart the package top.  If you try using only your hands to do it, the package tears unevenly, and chips sail all over the room.  Then the bag doesn't fold back closed like it should to properly preserve freshness.  

(2)  Wavy humped bottoms on some carbonated drink bottles.  This is a design to offset the high pressure carbonation effect on the plastic container, and I'm sure the drink companies think they are pretty to look at.  These bottles are troublesome on the check out conveyor belt.  Placed upright, they will 100% of the time flop over with a thud, onto your adjacent delicate goods, like the potato chips, soft dinner rolls, etc.  If you place the bottles in a horizontal position on the belt, they roll and roll, and you still have to go back to chase them out of the way of the customer behind you, then you have to shove them up to the cashier with the rest of your stuff.  Why can't they design the bottles not to topple over, or better still, why not design square bottles?

(3)  Glued toilet paper.  It's stuck so tight at the start of the roll, you have to dig and claw at it 'til it shreds all over.  Why do they do that??  

What's A Good Package?

Cookie, muffin, and similar type hard plastic packages.  Good because they keep the merchandise from mashing, and because you can see through them for treat viewing. 

www.webstaurantstore.com/par-pak

And especially good when empty if you are a juvenile delinquent in the 7th or 8th grade.  I was an agitator in school, and I got thrills during stiff and quiet class sessions when, hidden under my jacket, I'd crinkle the hard noisy plastic container.  It was hard to keep a straight and innocent face when the other students turned to look at me.  It was such a LOUD and jolting crinkle in the otherwise peaceful room.  "Who's doing that?!"  Tee hee hee......

Side note:  

Wine is a hassle to open.  Always was, always will be.  Product good overrides package bad.  It cancels itself out, therefore it doesn't count in any of this.

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